Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Release Me

This week has been a failure. 
My mind hasn't been able to stop running. 
My heart has followed the lead of my mind and no rest has been found. 
I hate it when I realize that I have been apprehended by the agony of the unknown. 
It becomes a deliberate effort to let go but the resistance wrings me out inside. 

Tonight I try. 
I'm reaching for a steady and strong reminder that I can't be distracted by the possibility of my world turning upside down. 
If it happens, it happens. 
I'm fighting. 
Fighting is not my expertise. I'd rather curl up under my bed and wait until things are calm but not this time. 
I'm puttin' up my dukes. 

This moment is vague. 
Details are hangin' out in the shadows. 
The fluffy snow has become an all-out downpour. 
The fire hydrant within me has been on lockdown and soon it will burst.  

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Can't sit still. 
Ping pong thoughts bouncing all day.
Can't concentrate.
Trying to breathe deep. 
So much to do. 
Need to make a plan.
Let the question marks be. 
Answers will come eventually. 

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bitter In The Cold

[phone ringing]

"Hello, Al Gore?"

"Uhhh... I'm not sure if you've heard but temperatures across the land have dipped to God forsaken lows."

"I would like to know what exactly you mean by 'global warming' because I'm not warm locally or globally."

"In fact, I'm freakin' FREEZING!!"

"Call me back!"

This is the effect of frigid temps on my car. I simply closed my car door this morning and the rear window crumbled.  

Monday, January 12, 2009

Feast of Men

According to my sources, today, January 12th, is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day! Does this mean that I get to partake in a feast of fabulous wild men or is this a gay man's holiday?? I'm not sure exactly what it means but apparently, it is a bona-fide holiday. You can Click here to send an ecard.

May I bring your attention to a few other holidays that I don't want you to miss out on in the month of January:
Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day - Jan 17th. 
National Buttercrunch Day - Jan. 20th.
Measure Your Feet Day - Jan 23rd. 

Who decides these holidays and who celebrates them?? 

For me, today is See The Dentist Day. Not nearly as exciting because my Doc of Dentistry does not fall into the category of fab wild men. Still, I will be on the lookout for my feast today.  

Sunday, January 11, 2009

How Long Is Too Long??

It is now the 2nd full week of January and my house is still clothed in Christmas decor. 
Usually, I promptly dismantle the trimmings the first weekend after New Year's but this year it feels like they only just arrived. It was December 20th when I finally decked the halls this year. Only 4 days before Christmas. 

A couple of years ago, my friends Melissa and Christina, left their tree up until May 1st. That was far too long, in my opinion because as the seasons changed from winter to spring, it still felt like winter in their apartment when greeted by a snowflake clad Christmas tree.

Staring at my twinkling tree tonight, I know it must come down but I don't know where to put it. Normally, I'm a huge fan of the live pine tree but this year, I couldn't afford it AND my sister Kari, gave
 me a fantastic artificial one that stands 9 ft. tall. I love it!! The dilemma is that I have very little storage space in my house and no room for disassembled pieces of a 9 ft. Christmas tree. 

What if I take all the Christmas bulbs off but leave the white lights and make it an "All Year" tree?? I could put pink and red hearts on it for Valentine's Day, then Shamrocks for St. Paddy's Day.  I could put pastel colored plastic eggs on its branches for Easter and red, white and blue streamers for July 4th. For Halloween, I could cover it in spider webs and bats. I could skip Thanksgiving because putting a pilgrim hat on top might cross the line into ghetto but the day after Turkey Day, it would be time for Christmas again. 

Creative solutions, people. I think I've got one. ;-)

Friday, January 9, 2009

A Prophetic Fortune

I went out for a chinese dinner with my parents and 2 of my sisters tonight. It was the farewell dinner for my Moms and Dad. They have been visiting for a few weeks and now they are off to sunny and warm Florida for the rest of January. Those lucky dawgs! 

Anyway, the blurriness above is what popped out of my fortune cookie after I devoured my sweet and sour chicken. 
It says: "A pleasant surprise is in store for you". 

Can God speak via fortune cookie???  
I'm pretty sure since He's God, He can do whatever He wants. Not to get all wacky about it but I smiled. Maybe it's just a little confirmation of my New Year's theme...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Review

I don't like performance reviews. I've never gotten a bad one but still, I always hope that somehow the boss will get overwhelmed with other things to do and forget that it's time for "the review". Something about having my abilities and my shortcomings analyzed and measured makes me want to schedule my vacation during that time of year. Part of "the review" involves setting goals. To me, it always feels intrusive to sit down with the boss and collaboratively determine what I need to improve and accomplish. What if I fail at completing the goals "we" set?? Admittedly, when I get to make my own goals at work, I always come up with things that I know I will be able to ace without much effort, preferably within the first month or so after setting them. I know, that's super lame, but since I have more flight than fight in me, I really do hate "the review". The job I currently have is by far, the best job I've ever had in all my life AND the big bonus is that my company doesn't do performance reviews at all. I haven't had a formal review in over 2 years. My stress level is much better for it. 

So, I don't know what came over me a few years ago when I got all gung-ho about making personal goals. Surprisingly, I have stuck with my annual plan of making personal goals and it has turned out to be a great strategy to make sure I'm not just wasting my life drifting. About 5 years ago, I made list of things that I wanted to do in my lifetime and kept it on the nightstand next to my bed.  Amidst moving cross-country I misplaced it and still haven't been able to find it. It's probably in one of the boxes in my storage closet. I had to start a new list. Doing the yearly goal thing is a way of making an incremental dent in the list. 

In 2006, I had just 1 goal: To run a marathon. 
It was something I had dreamt about for 3 years but always felt like it was a gigantic impossibility for a girl who runs an 11 minute mile at her best. Then, I had an epiphany. "If P. Diddy can do it, so can I". I committed to it, and in October of 2006, I finished my first and only 26.2 mile race.  

In 2007, I set 3 goals: 1.) Take a writing class. 2.) Get my own place. 3.) Take a cruise. 
Again, all were things that I desired but seemed too far out of reach for many reasons. My fear, my finances and my abilities stood in the way. My thought was if I could at least get closer to these things in one year - even if it took longer to actually attain them, maybe I would eventually get there. 
In Jan. 2007, I signed up for a 6-week writing course in NYC. Starting the year with 2 loves of my life - New York and writing - made me a happy girl. 
In Apr. 2007, I bought my first home - a condo that is a perfect match for me in the exact area I wanted. 
To finish '07 I went on a cruise with some friends to Cozumel, Mexico in November. 
All 3 goals checked off my list in one amazing year. Far beyond what I thought was possible. 

In 2008, I was a slacker. I was fairly content and didn't feel like there was anything jumping up and down to be accomplished. I took a few trips to satisfy my ever-constant gnawing to travel but nothing that could be classified as being on the master list. It turned out to be a good thing that I didn't go crazy with the big goals in '08 because there was plenty of twisty stuff I didn't foresee that zapped my energy for pursuing major lifetime ambitions. A year of readjusting is ok. 

A few weeks ago I started thinking about the 2009 portfolio of goals. Again, I'm looking at stuff that, on January 7th, looks bigger than one year will be able to hold.
1.) Travel internationally twice. 2.) Make progress on writing a book. 3.) Cultivate a new circle of relationships. 

The thing about goals is that they help determine the in-between times. They drive us through the mundane parts of life. When I have goals that I'm excited about, I'm always asking myself if what I'm doing or investing myself in is taking me closer to accomplishing them or not. It's easier to put up with the routine, boring or less than desirable circumstances if I can see that they are just stepping stones on the path toward a bigger passion. The undesirable things are carrying me to the places of my desires. 

I had to live in my parents' basement to save money so I could move to the east coast when the time was right. Everyday I was reminded that I was far from where I wanted to be. 
I had to train everyday for 10 months, sometimes running on a treadmill for 4 hours at one time so I would be able to feel the accomplishment of completing the Marine Corps Marathon. Do you know how loathsome it is to run on a treadmill in a gym for 4 hours straight?
I had to rent a room from an 80 year old lady, that was furnished in the 50's, for a year so that when the door flew open to purchase my own place, I was ready to walk through it. 

Ready or not, I'm rollin' with some big plans in '09.

Monday, January 5, 2009


That's my word for the day. 

I have emerged from 2008. 

The last 2 weeks of 2008 were jam-packed and overflowing. Not only do we have the holidays to celebrate but my mom, sister and brother all have birthdays that week between Christmas and New Years. This year, my WHOLE family spent the holidays together for the first time in 6 or 7 years. Brother and sisters, their husbands and wives (for those who have them), nieces and nephews, Dad and Mom... the whole pack. The bonus was that we were together in the NORTHEAST rather than the midwest. We all went to Boston AND New York. Everyone got to have new experiences and make new holiday memories. It was the best Christmas I've had in a very long time and that was an unexpected surprise. 
I'm already 5 days into 2009 and I haven't had time for my usual day or more to contemplate where I've been in the past 12 months and muse about where I'm headed in the next 365 days (I'm now down to 360). 
However, on New Year's Eve, we were having a little birthday celebration for my brother when my thoughts started wandering; thinking about the new year that was, at that point, just 2 hours or so away. Last year, I felt like 2008 was a year of new beginnings. New beginnings in my own life and in the lives of many of my friends and family. When I stand at the edge of something, like a new career or a move to a new location or a big decision or a new relationship or a New Year, and I look forward with a very limited knowledge of what may lie ahead sometimes I get a sense of peace or a confirmation or word that resonates inside me. I think it's God's way of reminding me that He's with me. In 2008, I saw it and felt it everywhere. I believed that new beginnings were the theme. Now on the other side, I still believe that last year was the year of new beginnings. New beginnings, some born from endings of other things, filled month after month in 2008. Some good and fun, others not so much. 

So, when I quietly wondered what theme will be evident in 2009, the only thing that came to mind was "unexpected surprises". I love to be surprised! 

That is something hopeful that I can look forward to in 2009. 

Even though it's a few days late... 

May 2009 be filled with the joy of unexpected surprises for you!!