I don’t consider myself an angry person.
I’m not a screamer. I don’t wave my arms in the air or breathe loudly.
I don’t blow up easily. I’m pretty chill most of the time.
Even when I get upset, I usually get over it without getting steamed up.
However, sometimes I get ambushed.
It’s crazy to me that I would find myself in rage out of the clear blue autumn sky.
I am shocked by my capacity to contain such an intensely hot emotion without any warning.
I have spent the better part of the past week trying to understand it and deal with it and feel it and surrender it.
It’s the wound again. Just a seemingly benign phone call but that’s all it takes. A voice triggers a memory triggers reality triggers the pain and in a split second I’m fighting feelings that feel like they will overtake me. Anger is a new one. Disappointment and sadness, I’m familiar with them. I know they will drop by every now and then unannounced. Anger, I’m not used to. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was moving forward, not obsessing, not even analyzing but realizing that I’m feeling so mad that I want to scream and write hate mail illuminates a neon warning sign in my head.
Maybe I’m not as far forward I as thought. Maybe I need more time to wade through the muck.
It’s ok.
One day I will laugh at all this mess.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Appreciation Aplenty
I am thankful for my life. (Even though it isn't how I expected)
I am thankful for my health. (Others suffer every day)
I am thankful for the opportunities I've been given. (Some far beyond what I could imagine)
I am thankful for the people in my life who love me. (And some who don't)
I am thankful for love - the abilitiy to give and receive it. (Even though I don't always feel it)
I am thankful for redemption. (Nothing is wasted)
I am thankful for the bigger picture. (When I get hung up on right now)
I am thankful for things that I cannot see. (They are still real)
I am thankful for pleasure and beauty. (One moment at a time)
I am thankful for my job and a boss who is good to me. (Bad days could be worse)
I am thankful that I have been spared from destructive people and things. (In spite of my own choices)
I am thankful that God knows my name. (He doesn't give up)
Even in brokenness and failure, I am still thankful for the experience.
I am thankful for my health. (Others suffer every day)
I am thankful for the opportunities I've been given. (Some far beyond what I could imagine)
I am thankful for the people in my life who love me. (And some who don't)
I am thankful for love - the abilitiy to give and receive it. (Even though I don't always feel it)
I am thankful for redemption. (Nothing is wasted)
I am thankful for the bigger picture. (When I get hung up on right now)
I am thankful for things that I cannot see. (They are still real)
I am thankful for pleasure and beauty. (One moment at a time)
I am thankful for my job and a boss who is good to me. (Bad days could be worse)
I am thankful that I have been spared from destructive people and things. (In spite of my own choices)
I am thankful that God knows my name. (He doesn't give up)
Even in brokenness and failure, I am still thankful for the experience.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wordle
This is a fantastic little thing. It's a "wordle". All you have to do is go to the website and paste any text in the box and it turns the words into a lovely piece of art. You can customize the colors, fonts and style. Click on the link to see the larger version. This is endless hours of fun stuff!!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Silent at Night
The phone doesn't ring at midnight anymore.
The text messages at 1:48am have ceased.
Strange comfort was found in the voice and the thought coming through.
Now, the silence wakes me in the middle of the night.
The cell phone illumined reads 2:22am.
No missed call, no text message or voice mail beep.
Just time moving clockwise without a sound.
The text messages at 1:48am have ceased.
Strange comfort was found in the voice and the thought coming through.
Now, the silence wakes me in the middle of the night.
The cell phone illumined reads 2:22am.
No missed call, no text message or voice mail beep.
Just time moving clockwise without a sound.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Some Thoughts From The Weekend
I went to see the movie “The Women”. Didn’t know what it was about or what to expect but I liked it. There’s not one man in the whole movie and although I started to think it was pushing a feminist agenda, by the end, I didn’t feel the same way. There’s so much in this movie in relation to women at different places in life and in different roles. Some women may not get as much out of it, but I certainly did. I want to see it again.
Without doing a review on it, one point has kept me thinking all weekend. The main character’s husband has an affair and as she goes through a process of dealing with that she also takes a look at herself. Near the end of the movie, she is on the phone with her husband and she makes a statement that goes something like this… I take responsibility for my part. I couldn’t give you myself because I didn’t know who I was…
She had gotten lost in being everything to everyone. Her husband’s affair brought her to the realization of who and what was important. She was then able to live out of who she was and not what she thought everyone else wanted her to be.
After the movie, I went out with the girls. I haven’t been out on the town for a couple of months so it was nice to do the hair and make up and get out to feel the beat of New Haven. We stopped by a new restaurant/bar that we hadn’t been to before. It was after 10pm so the Saturday night social scene was buzzin’. As the three of us sat at the bar talking and picking at nachos, I had a thought that I have randomly entertained over the past 2 years.
“I should be a bartender.”
I looked around at the people packed into this establishment. They all sang along with Eddie Money…”Take me home tonight, I don’t want to let you go till you see the light, take me home tonight…” Shoulder to shoulder, many different ages and types of people connected, if only on a surface level. I wondered about their stories.
I zoned out momentarily while I jumped on the ‘what-if-I-was-a-bartender’ train of thought. It would push me out of my comfort zone in ways that I may not experience any other way. The introvert that I am, would only be able to handle about two or three nights a week of mass amounts of intoxicated people in my face. But maybe I should do it for 6 months. It could be something to stretch me, give me a different perspective and teach me about people. My life may never again be in such a place that would allow me such an opportunity, the way that I am right now. The more I thought about it, the more I could see myself doing it. Not forever and not as a full time job but as a way of expanding myself.
I didn’t ask for a job application on my way out of the bar (haha…that’s a funny visual…walking out of a packed bar with a job app) but I left with the beginning of an idea and a seed of possibility. I’m going to consider it a little more seriously and look for open doors. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t but maybe I should.
Without doing a review on it, one point has kept me thinking all weekend. The main character’s husband has an affair and as she goes through a process of dealing with that she also takes a look at herself. Near the end of the movie, she is on the phone with her husband and she makes a statement that goes something like this… I take responsibility for my part. I couldn’t give you myself because I didn’t know who I was…She had gotten lost in being everything to everyone. Her husband’s affair brought her to the realization of who and what was important. She was then able to live out of who she was and not what she thought everyone else wanted her to be.
After the movie, I went out with the girls. I haven’t been out on the town for a couple of months so it was nice to do the hair and make up and get out to feel the beat of New Haven. We stopped by a new restaurant/bar that we hadn’t been to before. It was after 10pm so the Saturday night social scene was buzzin’. As the three of us sat at the bar talking and picking at nachos, I had a thought that I have randomly entertained over the past 2 years.
“I should be a bartender.”
I looked around at the people packed into this establishment. They all sang along with Eddie Money…”Take me home tonight, I don’t want to let you go till you see the light, take me home tonight…” Shoulder to shoulder, many different ages and types of people connected, if only on a surface level. I wondered about their stories.
I zoned out momentarily while I jumped on the ‘what-if-I-was-a-bartender’ train of thought. It would push me out of my comfort zone in ways that I may not experience any other way. The introvert that I am, would only be able to handle about two or three nights a week of mass amounts of intoxicated people in my face. But maybe I should do it for 6 months. It could be something to stretch me, give me a different perspective and teach me about people. My life may never again be in such a place that would allow me such an opportunity, the way that I am right now. The more I thought about it, the more I could see myself doing it. Not forever and not as a full time job but as a way of expanding myself.
I didn’t ask for a job application on my way out of the bar (haha…that’s a funny visual…walking out of a packed bar with a job app) but I left with the beginning of an idea and a seed of possibility. I’m going to consider it a little more seriously and look for open doors. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t but maybe I should.
These were my thoughts from this weekend.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Remembering...
A stab of sadness today.
More than just a date.
More than just an event.
7 years gone by so fast.
The memory seared as if just yesterday.
Remembering today...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Hmmm...
I’ve almost finished reading “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I realize that I must be the last woman in the country to read this book but I had no interest in it whatsoever until recently. I have a friend who read me a few excerpts so I thought I’d check it out. It’s one of those books that I take bits of truth from and leave the rest.
The idea of “soul mates” is something that I still have a lot of questions about but this excerpt from the book made sense to me.
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. "
This is just a portion of dialogue from chapter 48 between the author and a friend she met in India discussing a man that she is having a hard time getting over. Without retyping the whole thing, here’s another piece of the dialogue that makes sense.
“David’s purpose was to shake you up…tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over.”
I realize that I must be the last woman in the country to read this book but I had no interest in it whatsoever until recently. I have a friend who read me a few excerpts so I thought I’d check it out. It’s one of those books that I take bits of truth from and leave the rest.
The idea of “soul mates” is something that I still have a lot of questions about but this excerpt from the book made sense to me.
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. "
This is just a portion of dialogue from chapter 48 between the author and a friend she met in India discussing a man that she is having a hard time getting over. Without retyping the whole thing, here’s another piece of the dialogue that makes sense.
“David’s purpose was to shake you up…tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over.”
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Checkmate!
My life has seen a series of “checkmate” moments. It’s those situations where, for all the desire in the world, all the best choices and all my strongest efforts, God says, “I got your most valuable guy (quite literally in this case), game over, I win”.
These are the most frustrating and heart wrenching moments of my life. Today, a 2-year long chess game comes to an end with that 2-syllable word, “checkmate”.
In times like this, I find myself pissed off at God. He has the unfair advantage. He’s the master chess player, he does this ‘life thing’ as a profession I’m the amateur. I try my best and still I can’t foresee his moves.
Driving home from work tonight I screamed at God amidst the tears that dripped out from under my sunglasses. “It’s not fair! I feel like I’m being punished for trying to live right and denying my selfishness. You let those who don’t care about right living get what they want, but my heart is broken AGAIN.” I sounded like the whiny “older brother” from the prodigal parable. I didn’t hold back. As I continued on the Interstate, I sobbed through everything I was feeling inside. When I stopped to take a breath, my head was pounding but I heard my thoughts say, “Do you live your life to get only what you want?” I had to stop and take stock of my motives. Although I want to believe that I live for Love’s sake regardless of what I get out of the deal, my emotion flooded me with something quite the opposite.
As I contemplated the true condition of my heart, I confessed that I don’t want to be the selfishly pouting sister but I am weak in this moment to see past my pain. I petitioned for forgiveness and hope. I asked for help to trust in the sovereign love of the chess master who can see all the moves before even one has been played.
When the salty lines on my face dried, a bud of thankfulness had sprouted. I became thankful for the ability to feel love and joy and even the aches. Thankful that everything happens for a reason even when I don’t know what those reasons are. Thankful for the opportunities that I enjoyed by one person’s involvement in my life. Thankful for hope of a new day. Thankful that God is God and I am not. And thankful that as my sister reminded me, love saved my life.
These are the most frustrating and heart wrenching moments of my life. Today, a 2-year long chess game comes to an end with that 2-syllable word, “checkmate”.
In times like this, I find myself pissed off at God. He has the unfair advantage. He’s the master chess player, he does this ‘life thing’ as a profession I’m the amateur. I try my best and still I can’t foresee his moves.
Driving home from work tonight I screamed at God amidst the tears that dripped out from under my sunglasses. “It’s not fair! I feel like I’m being punished for trying to live right and denying my selfishness. You let those who don’t care about right living get what they want, but my heart is broken AGAIN.” I sounded like the whiny “older brother” from the prodigal parable. I didn’t hold back. As I continued on the Interstate, I sobbed through everything I was feeling inside. When I stopped to take a breath, my head was pounding but I heard my thoughts say, “Do you live your life to get only what you want?” I had to stop and take stock of my motives. Although I want to believe that I live for Love’s sake regardless of what I get out of the deal, my emotion flooded me with something quite the opposite.
As I contemplated the true condition of my heart, I confessed that I don’t want to be the selfishly pouting sister but I am weak in this moment to see past my pain. I petitioned for forgiveness and hope. I asked for help to trust in the sovereign love of the chess master who can see all the moves before even one has been played.
When the salty lines on my face dried, a bud of thankfulness had sprouted. I became thankful for the ability to feel love and joy and even the aches. Thankful that everything happens for a reason even when I don’t know what those reasons are. Thankful for the opportunities that I enjoyed by one person’s involvement in my life. Thankful for hope of a new day. Thankful that God is God and I am not. And thankful that as my sister reminded me, love saved my life.
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