Friday, October 31, 2008

Give Me Some Candy

Happy Halloween to all you tricksters out there! Tonight I'm making a memory and if the memory is a good one, I shall give the details later.
In any event, in the words of Adam Sandler... "Give Me Some Candy"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Bottled Up

I haven't been able to write.
Bottled up inside.

Anxiety robs me.
Stop clinging.
Let it pass away.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

By The Book

I’m not a perfectionist...but I do possess some of the tendencies.

I take my clothes off and leave them on the floor even though the dirty clothesbasket is literally touching the clothing that I have just left on the floor. I make my bed everyday but sometimes it’s sloppy. When I’m in a hurry I leave wrinkles on the comforter and the pillows with the indent of my head still in tact. I can go months without washing my car, vacuuming the upholstery or dusting the dashboard.

However, I get pissed off and want to punch someone if I’m late. I get wound up if I can’t find the right words or way to say something. I cringe at misspelled words. Clutter makes me crazy. I literally feel out of sorts if junk mail starts piling up on the counter. I gas up every weekend whether my car is empty or not to start the week on ‘full’.

I used to be more anal about some things, like timing the exact seconds it takes to walk from the parking lot at work to my desk after lunch so that I was neither early nor late. I used to feel bad about asking for a day off work so I rarely would and calling in sick only happened if I was puking. These days I don’t stress about making certain that I am living to EVERY letter of the law. I have found a little more calm on the inside since I’ve loosened the reins on this way of living but there are still places in my lifestyle that need to chill out.

When life does a fake-out number on me and I am left with spinning and crossed cuckoo clock eyes, it makes me stop and say, ‘what just happened?’ In my examination I can see that in the same ways I have adopted hard-lined practices of doing some silly or small things I have also carried the same system of thinking into relationships.

I have unconsciously bought into believing that if I do A + B, I will end up with C. In life, that is not necessarily so. We are people, not mathematical equations. We are complex and unique. Just as each person may react to the same situation differently, I can’t expect to fit people neatly into my small perspective and assume to know another person’s intention based simply on my own previous experience. I need to be reminded that things are not always on one extreme or the other. So much is missed when I do that. I need to stop putting everything into a logical category and enjoy whatever twists and turns may take place along the way especially when it doesn’t fit into my idea of how things should go. Stress and fear are the only things I have lost when I live without the extreme rules. Still, I continue to seek the balance.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Could I Love Another?

We met last Saturday afternoon. We have a mutual friend who has wanted to hook us up since I moved to the east coast nearly 3 years ago.

After an awkward introduction via a trolley ride through a shady neighborhood, I began to feel more comfortable. Blind dates offer the intrigue of the unknown but the unfamiliar is also one of the drawbacks.

He was kind and spoke with a heavy accent that is prejudiced against pronouncing the letter “R”. It was most noticeable when he mentioned “pawking the caw”. Translation: parking the car. We strolled through The Commons taking note of the leaves on the trees in varied shades of green, gold and deep red. The autumn breeze caused them to whisper gently while the fading sun made them shimmer like paper coins. Some floated to the ground as they complete their death, others still holding to what life they have left. We continued on for a soup and ice cream at Quincy Market. He carried a solid stance that projected a sense that he wouldn’t succumb to impulsive whims.

When darkness crept in on the day, we took the train past a few more stops. We entered through the gates and took a peek at Harvard yard. The sidewalks weaved between brick buildings that have housed intellects for hundreds of years. For a second I felt as though I was back in New Haven. It was reminiscent of the Yale campus. After a late dinner at an outdoor pub, we parted ways (because I don’t sleep with boys on the first date).

Pondering this long anticipated first date, it was romantic. Yet, something is missing.

Meeting Boston was nothing like meeting New York. It wouldn’t be fair to compare them however; I didn’t feel the instant connection with Boston that I felt with New York. I felt strength and surety in Boston but my heart did not leap inside me. I didn’t have the feeling of being more alive every minute we were together as I have when spending time with New York. With New York, there is passion and tension whether we are together or apart. I fell hard for New York from the moment we met.

Maybe I should give Boston more time and invest in getting to know him. Maybe I am scared of loving a new city. Maybe if I let it, my love for him will grow but right now, my heart is still with New York.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Song of the Day

I can't get this song out of my head...

Find Me Tonight
by Everyday Sunday

Yesterday, I could not feel this
Today I'm sick of trying
To live like I can live on my own
This world around me is suffocating
But I keep forgetting
To turn and run into You
So Find me
Wherever I am won't You
Find me
I got myself lost and I
Don't think
I want to be roaming in heartache
Please find me tonight
I make it hard and I can't stand it
Can't wrap my head around it
I wrestle with You more than I should
I make a mess of everything
But You see the best in me
I'll never be too far gone
You speak without sound
Your love is so loud
You always save me

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Trusting in Love

Because I'm a blog-stalking-hummingbird that flits from blog to blog and clicks on link after link for hours, taking in bits and pieces of other people's lives and scandal from around the world, I have forgotten where I read this statement that has been haunting me for the past few days. I have tried to find the blog so I could give her (I think it was a girl) credit and a link to her site but such is the downside to just clicking and reading. I'm sorry to whoever's site I read this on.

Here's the statement, paraphrased as I remember it:
You can't trust someone if you don't believe that they love you.

I keep thinking about this.
I think about my difficulty in trusting people.
I think about the way I trust some people only on surface levels.
And I wonder how much I really trust God.

Do I believe that anyone really loves me?
Do I believe that God really loves me?

Is my ability (or inability) to trust directly related to what I really believe about love?

These questions have been on 'repeat' in my head.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Choice of Life

In the election year, life is always a hot topic and this year is no different.

For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about life.

It was late August when she went for the first routine ultrasound. It’s a boy!
Something was abnormal. Something wasn’t right. The Dr. gave the report; a heart condition (it was uncertain if he had all the chambers of his heart), a skin condition, fluid on his lungs, fluid on his brain, and 2-clubbed feet. He sent them to the state university hospital for a second opinion. More doctors, more tests, a bleak diagnosis. With all the physical problems the baby had, there was a good possibility that he wouldn’t live to birth or if he did, he might die shortly after birth. The amniocentesis revealed Down syndrome. The options presented by the professionals were a) do nothing and see what happens or b) terminate the pregnancy.

The joy and excitement of expecting a new baby was suddenly overshadowed by devastation and grief. This can’t be real. There must be some mistake. Two previous pregnancies were uneventfully normal. There was no reason to believe this one would be any different. By number 3 the unknowns of pregnancy are ordinary expectations. What will this child look like? What will he need? What will he be capable of? In light of the diagnosis, these normal questions that accompany every pregnancy now hold new meaning. Now, a whole new set of unknowns and expectations are looming. Will he live? How long will he live? These questions are rarely asked during the cheerful expectation of a new life. Months of prayer by people across the nation, research of all the medical terms, uncertainty, and sorting through up and down feelings followed.

By January, check-ups with the Dr. had become a weekly occurrence. Every week that the baby was growing and developing was a good thing. Every week that there were no signs of stress in the womb meant that he would be stronger when he arrived. During one of the weekly check-ups in mid January the Dr. did a stress test and suggested that she be induced so the baby could be born as soon as possible. She went home and told her husband, packed a bag, got a few last minute things in order, and they checked into the maternity ward at the hospital. The Dr. told them that there would be a fleet of doctors present at his birth to assess all his conditions and that they needed to decide how far they wanted the doctors to go to keep the baby alive.

Once labor was induced, it progressed very quickly. So quickly in fact that he was born on January 19th without any doctors present. The nurse and his father delivered him.

Soon after birth, the doctors began a series of tests. Down syndrome was again confirmed. There was talk of open-heart surgery and a liver condition. He had one clubbed foot. Further tests revealed that his liver was enlarged but functioning ok, although he had a small hole in his heart, it would heal on its own and there was no need for surgery. His heart was in the right place and all the chambers were present and working. His foot was fully in tact just turned in at the ankle. An orthopedic doctor said it would be easy to fix with a small surgery and casting. By the time he’s old enough to walk, he would have no problems. He had no skin condition. The way he cried when they poked his foot to draw blood proved that his lungs were just fine.

He went home 2 ½ days later.

That was nearly 10 years ago.

My nephew, David is a miracle child. He was healed of many things that were originally diagnosed. He is now in 3rd grade. He is healthy. He talks, reads, runs and is able to do most things that any other child can do; he’s just a little slower to learn how. One thing he isn’t slow at is making people smile. David will find the kid at school that is having a meltdown, give him a hug and ask him if he is ok. David will talk to anyone, young or old. He’s quick to say ‘I love you’ and hold the hand of someone he senses may be scared or lost or sad. At age 5, when his great grandfather was dying, although he didn’t understand what was going on, he kept saying, ‘granpa you ok?’ until grandpa was no longer conscious. David is acutely sensitive to how others are feeling and by just being himself, offers inspiration to everyone who meets him. He goes to his sister’s volleyball games and his brother’s football games and he sits in the bleachers and cheers the loudest. He tells them ‘good job’ with a pat on the back, when they get done playing. David is devoted to his family. He fights with his brother and sisters just like anyone else but at the end of the day, he makes sure they are all ok. He likes cartoons and his flag that he waves as if he were a war veteran. With everything inside of him David is alive and happy to be so.

So, thinking of life as I have these past few weeks, I think of David.

My brother and sister in law had a choice to not bring him into this world. The doctors didn’t give him a chance but if his parents had given up on him, there would be innumerable people that would not have experienced the joy that he has given them and continues to give everyday.
I can’t imagine my own life without his impact. This is why my choice is for life.
(Dave is a him 3 bunny ears are better than 2)