At 4:08am the switch in my brain flipped to the “on” position. Wide-awake. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:32am, a few brief hours ago. Turning on my left side, I fluffed the pillow, pulled the covers up and folded my hands underneath my chin. After 4 minutes of lying there with my eyes closed but my head deep in the ocean of thoughts, I turned to the opposite side. Once again, I tried all the same things to get my brain to fall back asleep.
Like the white noise of the box fan in my window, anxiety has been filling the background lately. Some days I don’t want to eat anything. Other days I make up for it by eating everything. At times I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. Other times I can’t stand to be alone. I am tired during the day and can’t sleep at night. There are no tears, just a lot of nerves.
What is the next step? Will I move? How will I pay the bills? Who will be in my life? How will the landscape of my relationships change? What do I really want to be pursuing right now? What is my direction? WHERE IS MY PLAN? The reasons to be anxious flood me.
I am learning that the unanswered questions aren’t the end of the world. The lack of direction, though completely unnerving, makes room for new possibilities and lends the place for a change of course. The uncertainty that my head wants to control and my heart wants to dispel is teaching me to trust.
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