The Odyssey Of The Heart

I flipped on the midday news today and instead of catching the latest healthcare debate or the stock prices, I watched “breaking headlines” about the governor of South Carolina. Just in time to witness the press conference live, I was drawn in.

I’d never heard of Mark Sanford prior to a couple of days ago when I saw a headline on msn.com saying that the South Carolina governor was missing. I read the article, which stated that he was MIA but that he was known for occasionally taking private time away from his high profile duties.

It seems the stories of politicians in scandal are frequent these days. Spitzer, McGreevey, Ensign, Edwards, the list of those in political power that have been publicly disgraced reads like the name of a law firm with too many partners. But today, watching Gov. Sanford expose himself and his marital infidelity felt different than others I’ve seen confess their sins from behind a podium.

He was candid. He was apologetic. He gave the watching world facts and details that he could have left out. He could have spun his statement in such a way so as to save face politically but it didn’t seem like he did that. The point in my observation is neither to judge him nor to pat him on the back, but rather to recognize truth that I can take away from this unfortunate scenario.

One thing he said was, “the odyssey that we're all on in life is with regard to heart”. That statement rings in my ears tonight.

Regardless of if your life is paraded in front of a national audience, if there’s few who really know you at all or if you fall somewhere in between, what really matters is the state of our hearts.

Part of my heart is alive underground, where no one else sees and part of it, once bound to a fake me loves to be free. Part of my heart has been dead and part of it has been in shreds.

It IS a continuing voyage to find ongoing restoration and life and to live from that place and that is something I needed to remember at midday today.

Deep Breath

The hiatus is over.

I didn’t know I was going on a hiatus before it happened but here we are nearing the end of June and the blog has been dark for almost 2 months.

Lately, it’s been a struggle to write so I’ve been avoiding it much like skipping over the questions on a test that I don’t know the answers to. I go back to them later, if there’s time but when it comes to writing, I have moved forward without taking the loop back.

Without answers, I wait.

If the human body is 70 – 75% water, then my life is 85 – 90% waiting. It’s a theme that weaves its way through my existence on a continual basis.

I am tired of waiting.

I want movement.

A Little Rain

The sun came out today.

I haven’t seen it since Friday of last week when it made a brief appearance between the clouds. I don’t mind the rain. It’s par for the course this time of year. One day last week, after it had rained all night, it was overcast and misty in the morning. A bold green hue settled on the ground and in the air. I drove to the gym amazed by the stark transformation that took place in the dark of night. The day before, leaves were tightly closed buds and the grass was patchy green and brown. Winter was hanging on with all its melting might. In just one night of rain, the landscape had changed.

Failure, insecurities, hurt, or disappointment are messy and overwhelming. The “stuff” in life clouds up our sunshiny days like a downpour but those things can serve as a passageway to something new in our lives.

So, while I love the warmth of sunny days, without the rain it would be a longer journey from winter to summer. Yes, it’s inconvenient and messy but the rain accelerates new growth.

Yesterday I was drenched and tomorrow may be more of the same, but today the sky is cloudless and I’m taking a peek at all that is new today.

Crazy Neighbor Chronicles

It’s been reported and corroborated previously, that I have a crazy neighbor. Just one, but that’s more than enough.

She spends her days and nights intoxicated and high. In 2 years of living next door to her, I don’t recall having one sober encounter with her. About 2 weeks ago, her boyfriend was carried out of her condo in a body bag due to a drug overdose.  Still, her addictions erode the best of her.

 Last night, yet another installment of mcfrickin’ crazy kept me awake in the middle of the night. At midnight, just when I was near dreamland, I heard noises. I went to the window and sure enough, a big red fire engine was parked in front of my building. 4 firemen, (1 of whom was a cutie) in full gear, marched up to the 3rd floor. I stood in my doorway and watched the action. They pounded on the door and when Crazy Neighbor didn’t answer, they used a crow  bar and axe to force entry into the darkened house. Once inside, they found Crazy Neighbor intoxicated and passed out. An empty pot was burning on the glowing stove, which produced the horrendous odor of burning metal. The fire fighters also found the water in the tub running. The neighbor on the 2^nd floor had called the fire department because her ceiling was leaking, an indication that the water was coming from Crazy Neighbor’s place on the floor above.

A police officer forced Crazy Neighbor to vacate the premises for the night. Once I drifted off, somewhere between 2 and 3 am, I was only half asleep.

Who knows what may have happened if the WHFD had not beaten down the door. I shudder to think. My next purchase will be a fire extinguisher in case next time, she lights up the building. I’m hoping that her landlord gets a clue before that happens. 

Not Workin' 9 to 5

Being unemployed has its pros and cons. 

One of the downfalls (or benefits, depending on how you look at it) of unemployment is affecting me today. My brain feels like mush. Daytime talk shows leave me in need of intellectual stimulus. 

Dr. Phil, The Doctors, Bonnie Hunt, Ellen, Oprah and throw in TMZ, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight and American Idol Extra and there you have the reason why I haven't been able to get any writing done today.  

Although it might change my life to get the update on Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt on today's Oprah, I think I will skip it and take my chances. 

Try, Try, Try Again

Please take 2 minutes and 40 seconds to watch this. 

Take A Step

Inspiration has been stifled lately. I have things I want to do, more writing and such, but I haven't been able to take action and move forward. My brain is stuck in neutral and I'm plagued by a nagging sense that if I just had an inspiring place to write, more ideas, more passion and a belief that what I have to say even matters, things would begin to move. Uh ya, these things are all excuses. They make sense in my head and that is why they hold me captive. 

I used to wish for more time to write. Then, I needed a new computer. Both of those things have been remedied and still I find myself stuck. I feel chained to limitations of my own making. Repeatedly, I have heard it said that in order to start, I must simply get going. One foot in front of the other, one word and then the next; but why is it that beginning is the hardest part?? Why do I get stuck on the emptiness of a blank page?? 

So, today I'm starting again because while I've been waiting for the stars to align, I've been missing the constellations that are already in place.