Rocky Mountain Rejuvenation (Part 2)

(see part 1 here)

Fast forward.

Two and a half months later, I couldn’t take the boiling frustration of all the past and present components weighing me down. At that moment, to stay in the same place, doing the same thing was more painful and overwhelming than the fear and unknown of changing everything in my life. It was only then that I was ready and I leaped forward without looking back.

Fast forward again.  Five years have gone by. It’s 2010.

For as long as I stood on the ledge trying to gain the courage to jump, I should have done it sooner because it was one of the best decisions in my life. Tough at times?? Absolutely.

However, this was the way in which I was forced to face my fears and begin to undo the years of being suppressed. It was the path I had to take to discover the strength of who I am, what I want and what is important to me. It was how I learned to trust myself.

The sting of my last visit to Colorado still in the back of my mind, I was nervous about going there this month. What if all those feelings and frustrations overwhelm me again??  What if all the progress of my life isn’t real??

Going back to Colorado, it was different… or maybe I should say, I was different.

I experienced the magnificence of Colorado in ways that I have never known before. The beauty and the mystery of the places and the people, were no longer shadowed by needing to be anyone but who I am. I am at peace with things that I have fought against for years. I found rest there and a new appreciation for where I was raised. I didn’t expect that.

I know, it’s still summer here on the east coast but as I said, I came home with a sense that the seasons of my life are changing. Maybe another cliff jump is looming or maybe a climb to a new summit where more is required of me but the views are breathtaking.

Rocky Mountain Rejuvenation (Part 1)

I have been more or less in hibernation for the past week. Two of the three summer months are now gone and with them, my summer vacation.

I returned from 10 days in western Colorado with a sense that seasons are shifting. It must have followed me home. Summer is short in the high altitudes of the Rocky Mountains and above 10,000 feet there are patches where the snow never melts. 

The realization of turning seasons literally overtook me as I have barely left my house in a week’s time. Part grief for what is on its way out and part preparation for what is to come, I am fully alive. Right now I can’t see the calendar’s next page even though I know it will turn soon and make way for new events. Yet somehow, I have hope in knowing that what lies on the next page is still unwritten and full of possibilities.

It has been five years since my last trip to the homeland. A lot happens in five years and going back to the place where I grew up reiterated that to me.

The last time I took in the magnificence of western Colorado, I didn’t find it so magnificent. It was the summer before I moved to the east coast. I had been contemplating the move but was wrestling internally with fear and insecurity. Jumping off a cliff into the unknown without a job or a place to live or any other guarantees was daunting. The more I thought about it, the more paralyzed I became. That summer, I wanted to stop thinking about the move for a little while so I took the trip back to the places and some of the people that represented my formative years. It caused my heart additional turmoil. While I was wrestling with making a change in location and lifestyle, I was also fighting against years of being shut down and bottled up. Those things originated in the small county where I grew up and in the summer of 2005, I despised that spot in western Colorado that few have ever heard of….  (more to come)

The Day Of Independence

The Spirit of America is…

Staring death down for the sake of freedom.

Holding tightly to ambition regardless of how strong the adversity.

Tirelessly expending all of one’s strength day after day to make life for the next generation more secure.

Fighting injustice and corruption without wavering.

Taking the risks without the option of turning back.

The values that built America were not just warm feelings they were the backbone of those who gave everything for the freedom and safety that I enjoy everyday of my life.

God Bless America!

Savoring The Simple

It’s a beautiful summer morning in New England. I so appreciate living here.

The sound of high tide lapping against the rocky shore of the Long Island Sound is soothing to my soul.

Seagulls are resting from their scavenging ways. Instead, they float peacefully on the rippling water.

Sailboats and wind surfers and kite boarders litter the distance and puffy clouds drift across the baby blue sky like cotton balls.

Sunshine is weaving in and out of the cotton-like clouds and a whispering breeze keeps the heat from bearing down.

I may not always live here but I am soaking it in today and loving the way it calms my anxious heart.  

Days like today remind me of the value of simply being in the moment. 

Keep Going

A couple of months ago I ran a ½ marathon. The training was treacherous to say the least. Every ounce of energy, will power and mental motivation was wrung from my being on a weekly basis for 4 months prior. If I didn’t have the pictures to prove it, I would never believe that 4 years ago, I trained and ran the full 26.2 miles. Half that distance should have been easy as pie, but it wasn’t.

I almost gave up.

I almost gave up when I didn’t have enough breath to run 3 miles without walking. I almost gave up when a 5-mile run was sheer boredom. I almost gave up when I developed blisters on the arches of both feet. I almost gave up when my knees throbbed after running 8 miles. I almost gave up when I calculated how slow I run and realized that I would most likely finish near the end of the field. I almost gave up when I stopped to think about the logistics of driving 8 hours to a town in Virginia that I’d never been to for this exhausting race.

But I didn’t and here’s why:

I did the training; I waded through the physical and mental obstacles and if I had given up, I would have let myself down. No one else would be disappointed but I would have disappointed myself. Although it would be more convenient and easier to stop short on the follow through, I would never forget it. It’s like going through the process of buying a house, finding the right place, making an offer, gathering information to get a mortgage, doing the inspection and then when the only thing left is to sign your name on 500 pieces of paper, you say, “I can’t” and go back to living in an apartment. 

Perseverance kicked my butt. My quad muscles were tight knots for almost 2 weeks following the race and one of my toenails is still black more than 8 weeks later but the exhilaration of finishing that race has launched me toward the next one.

What I thought was going to kill me actually empowered me to face another challenge. 

Making Peace With Retail Chaos

I don’t like T.J. Maxx. Although you can find designer brands for less, the clothes are sorted only by clothing type or size. I’m thrilled about finding a bargain but I don’t like pawing through knit shirts and silk shirts and Hawaiian shirts on the same rack. It’s the same reason I don’t like thrift stores. It’s chaos to me. I’d rather stroll into Old Navy greeted by a pastel rainbow of $8 tank tops stacked in ascending sizes. The flow of white to ivory to pink to peach layered in rows has a calming effect on my shopping experience. I like things in order, packaged in symmetrical shapes and proportionate sizes.

While I can choose my retail environment according to my preference, life is displayed more like a thrift store. I like to think ahead, make a goal and map out the way to get there. It doesn’t always turn out that way. So, while I am trying to be less uptight when I make a plan and it comes crashing down like a tower of Jenga blocks, I am also trying to enjoy shopping at T.J. Maxx. Sometimes from the heap of my demolished life plans, an even better plan evolves in its place.  And it’s not all bad when I stumble on an Adidas workout shirt for $9 because workout clothes are my weakness.

However, the day I walk into Old Navy and it looks like Goodwill, I will be pissed. 

46 of 50

Last week, I took a step towards accomplishing one of my goals.

There’s a running list that I keep to track the many things I want to do in my lifetime. Every so often I look it over to see where I’m at on the road to mark those things off that list. One of the things on this list is to visit all 50 of the United States. By “visit”, I don’t mean, walk from gate to gate in an airport. I mean, see something of the landscape and experience each state in some way whether that be to drive through it, see its landmarks, partake of its food, or just go to a Wal-mart.

Maine was number 46.

After living in New England for almost 5 years, I had to see what was north of New Hampshire.  Here’s what I found.

 

Still on the list: Alaska, Hawaii and those evasive Dakotas that I have somehow missed in my travels.