Walk On

10 ½ months ago I went to Florida for a weekend getaway and while I was there, I heard a statement that resonated with me. I have thought about it many times over the past year. Today I see it from a different vantage point.

A new day begins at midnight. It doesn't look like a new day; it appears to still be night. Those first hours of each new day are filled with darkness. By the time the sun rises, it has been a new day for several hours.

When I first heard this, I found hope in it. I kept thinking that maybe this is how things are in my life. Maybe a new day has actually come but I have to go through a few more dark hours before I will see the light of day. I was still very much in the dark.

Now, nearly a year later, I think the beams of light may be rising from the east. I feel a shifting taking place in the undercurrent of my soul. The dark night of grief is lifting. Hope is swiftly catching up to me. For the first time in a couple of years I feel like I might be ok. I'm beginning to believe once more, that maybe I will be able to love again. My circumstances haven't changed but my perspective is changing.

Stumbling out of the foggy night, I don't want to forget. I cannot allow myself to move on without stopping to acknowledge where I've been. I carry scars from trudging through thickly woven thistles that have sliced my skin. I carry bruises from not being able to see what was in front of me. I carry increased strength from being broken and finding myself emptier than I thought was possible to endure.

Rising off the damp and musty ground, I am immersed in thankfulness. I stand in this moment and my gratitude spills over like a reservoir that cannot contain the quickly melting snow. It's deep. Emotion wells up from my core as I look back and see every moment when I was hanging by a ragged thread, thinking I would lose my grip and plummet to the depths of despair.

The struggle has enlarged my heart. The pain has extended my capacity for love. The suffering has baptized me in grace. The death of my ability to make things work has brought life to desire within me. Though I felt as though I would expire beneath the weight of struggle, pain and suffering instead, I now feel alive in a new way.

I'm finding growth and beauty peeking through the ashes.

It looks different than I thought it would. It's not what I expected. It's not how I had imagined.

It's not the end, just a new beginning...