Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Unexpected Boiling Point

I don’t consider myself an angry person.
I’m not a screamer. I don’t wave my arms in the air or breathe loudly.
I don’t blow up easily. I’m pretty chill most of the time.
Even when I get upset, I usually get over it without getting steamed up.

However, sometimes I get ambushed.

It’s crazy to me that I would find myself in rage out of the clear blue autumn sky.
I am shocked by my capacity to contain such an intensely hot emotion without any warning.
I have spent the better part of the past week trying to understand it and deal with it and feel it and surrender it.

It’s the wound again. Just a seemingly benign phone call but that’s all it takes. A voice triggers a memory triggers reality triggers the pain and in a split second I’m fighting feelings that feel like they will overtake me. Anger is a new one. Disappointment and sadness, I’m familiar with them. I know they will drop by every now and then unannounced. Anger, I’m not used to. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was moving forward, not obsessing, not even analyzing but realizing that I’m feeling so mad that I want to scream and write hate mail illuminates a neon warning sign in my head.

Maybe I’m not as far forward I as thought. Maybe I need more time to wade through the muck.
It’s ok.
One day I will laugh at all this mess.

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