Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Checkmate!

My life has seen a series of “checkmate” moments. It’s those situations where, for all the desire in the world, all the best choices and all my strongest efforts, God says, “I got your most valuable guy (quite literally in this case), game over, I win”.
These are the most frustrating and heart wrenching moments of my life. Today, a 2-year long chess game comes to an end with that 2-syllable word, “checkmate”.

In times like this, I find myself pissed off at God. He has the unfair advantage. He’s the master chess player, he does this ‘life thing’ as a profession I’m the amateur. I try my best and still I can’t foresee his moves.

Driving home from work tonight I screamed at God amidst the tears that dripped out from under my sunglasses. “It’s not fair! I feel like I’m being punished for trying to live right and denying my selfishness. You let those who don’t care about right living get what they want, but my heart is broken AGAIN.” I sounded like the whiny “older brother” from the prodigal parable. I didn’t hold back. As I continued on the Interstate, I sobbed through everything I was feeling inside. When I stopped to take a breath, my head was pounding but I heard my thoughts say, “Do you live your life to get only what you want?” I had to stop and take stock of my motives. Although I want to believe that I live for Love’s sake regardless of what I get out of the deal, my emotion flooded me with something quite the opposite.

As I contemplated the true condition of my heart, I confessed that I don’t want to be the selfishly pouting sister but I am weak in this moment to see past my pain. I petitioned for forgiveness and hope. I asked for help to trust in the sovereign love of the chess master who can see all the moves before even one has been played.

When the salty lines on my face dried, a bud of thankfulness had sprouted. I became thankful for the ability to feel love and joy and even the aches. Thankful that everything happens for a reason even when I don’t know what those reasons are. Thankful for the opportunities that I enjoyed by one person’s involvement in my life. Thankful for hope of a new day. Thankful that God is God and I am not. And thankful that as my sister reminded me, love saved my life.

1 comment:

Ang said...

YEEESSSS!!!!! this is my favorite post so far. It's so real i can taste it, and did a year ago myself... but i love what comes out of walking through (not around) this kind of pain. Its so beautiful on the other side of the darkness... you're almost there.